The 10 Biggest Douche Bags in Country Music
I laughed. REALLY hard. Number 7 hurt my pride a little bit because I'm a HUGE Garth fan. Seriously. I was singing Friends in Low Places at 4 years old. But for the most part, I agreed with 95% of the list. Country music really stinks now a days. So, since I agreed with the list, I reposted it on my Facebook page. Not to any huge shocker, people disagreed with me. Very strongly disagreed with me. It ended with me saying "Lets rewrite the list!" I thought this was a genius idea (of course I did; it's my own idea!). So here is my rewritten list!
10. Luke Bryan
Sorry y'all, but Luke stays on the list. I'm not going to lie, I do enjoy a few of Luke's songs. "Drink a Beer" is probably one of my current favorites. I'll turn that shit up any day of the week. But "(Country Girl) Shake it For Me" will induce vomiting any day of the week. "Rain Is A Good Thing" will make me grind my teeth to bloody nubs. Why, you may be asking yourself?
"Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey
Whiskey makes my baby, feel a little frisky
Back roads are boggin' up, my buddies pile up in my truck
We hunt our hunnies down, we take 'em into town
Start washin' all our worries down the drain
Rain is a good thing"
Why would this make me want to punt babies you ask? Because he says wa-R-sh. NOTHING makes my blood boil more that someone putting an R where it doesn't belong. It's WASH. There is not damn R! Oh, and "That's My Kind of Night"? It's not country. It's friggin' techno with a "country" musician "singing".
9. Toby Keith
I used to love Toby Keith's music. "Dream Walking" defined my childhood (not really, but it is on my Top 10 All Time Favorites) and I totally enjoy Toby Keith as a person. I mean, there is no other musicians that supports our military the way that Toby does, so major points for that. And he owns racehorses! So stinking cool! But that's about where the cool ends. First off, his straw hats seriously bother me. They go against everything country and cowboy that has been instilled in me thanks to George, Garth and Clint. A nicely shaped felt hat or even a good quality straw hat will win more than these $5 townie hats he wears. I'll stop ragging on his personal style and go after his music now. "Red Solo Cup." Seriously? Granted, this song did define a couple of road trips for me (I'm looking at you, Julie and Natalie) but that's were it ends. You really don't have to sing songs that only appeal to college students. I still listen to "Kiss Me Again" and "Lost You Anyway". Why? BECAUSE THEY MEAN SOMETHING! They're not a song about getting drunk or partying or trucks. They're about heartbreak and loving someone, which is something that anyone at any age can relate to. Yeah, even toddlers. Their goldfish dies and their heart breaks. See? Relateable.
8. Tim McGraw
Sorry, Mom.
Oh, Tim... The other day, I saw a picture... Somewhere, I don't remember where. But it was of Tim and Faith disproving divorce rumors by dry humping on stage. That's enough to make it on my douche bag list. Way to be a role model, you two! *barf*
7. Love and Theft
I loved "Runaway". Really, I did. Buuuuut... their new song? Here's the lyrics:
You showed up at the party;
you wasn't gonna stay too long,
but that all changed up when your song came on.
Somebody handed you a cup -
so you went with the flow and you filled it on up.
you wasn't gonna stay too long,
but that all changed up when your song came on.
Somebody handed you a cup -
so you went with the flow and you filled it on up.
You feel the buzz in your bones,
and then you started makin' the rounds.
You know all too well what's about to go down.
You say, "Hold up; I better go!"
Yeah, right, next thing that you know...
and then you started makin' the rounds.
You know all too well what's about to go down.
You say, "Hold up; I better go!"
Yeah, right, next thing that you know...
You look up and it's two in the morning.
You're still sippin' whatever they're pourin'.
You got your shades on,
you got your drink up;
like a VIP at the night club.
You're still sippin' whatever they're pourin'.
You got your shades on,
you got your drink up;
like a VIP at the night club.
You kissed a girl and she told you her secrets.
She's so hot,
you still can't believe it's true.
It ain't over yet,
but it's gonna be a hard-to-remember night
that you'll never forget
She's so hot,
you still can't believe it's true.
It ain't over yet,
but it's gonna be a hard-to-remember night
that you'll never forget
.
Now your phone's filled with pictures
that you didn't take.
And that's you throwing deuces with what's-her-name.
And there's your boys right there,
tailgate poker table, all in on a pair.
that you didn't take.
And that's you throwing deuces with what's-her-name.
And there's your boys right there,
tailgate poker table, all in on a pair.
Here come the country girls
that wanna dance all on ya,
that wanna dance all on ya,
wanna rock your world.
It was supposed to be a regular night,
(regular night)
but now you're like,
"To the left, to the left, to the right!"
It was supposed to be a regular night,
(regular night)
but now you're like,
"To the left, to the left, to the right!"
You look up and it's three in the morning;
you're still sippin' whatever they're pourin'.
You got your shades on,
you got your drink up;
like a VIP at the night club.
you're still sippin' whatever they're pourin'.
You got your shades on,
you got your drink up;
like a VIP at the night club.
You kissed a girl and she told you her secrets.
She's so hot,
you still can't believe it's true.
It ain't over yet,
but it's gonna be a hard-to-remember night
that you'll never forget.
She's so hot,
you still can't believe it's true.
It ain't over yet,
but it's gonna be a hard-to-remember night
that you'll never forget.
To the left,
to the left,
to the left,
to the right!
to the left,
to the left,
to the right!
You look up, and it's four in the morning;
you're still sippin' whatever they're pourin'.
You got your shades on,
you got your drink up.
Here's to the nights that memories are made of!
you're still sippin' whatever they're pourin'.
You got your shades on,
you got your drink up.
Here's to the nights that memories are made of!
You kissed a girl, and she told you her secrets.
She's so hot,
you still can't believe it's true.
It ain't over yet,
but it's gonna be a hard-to-remember night
that you'll never forget.
She's so hot,
you still can't believe it's true.
It ain't over yet,
but it's gonna be a hard-to-remember night
that you'll never forget.
To the left,
to the left,
to the left,
to the right!
to the left,
to the left,
to the right!
To the left,
to the left,
to the left,
to the right!
to the left,
to the left,
to the right!
I took the liberty of highlighting my problem areas. What's the first rule they tell you your freshman year of college? DON'T ACCEPT A DRINK FROM ANYONE THAT YOU DIDN'T SEE THEM POUR! Hello, ruffies! "Feeling a buzz down to your bones." Yup, just promoting getting drunk, just like EVERY OTHER COUNTRY SONG. You're so original. And we're back to drinking drinks that others are pouring for you... You go, Glen Coco.
Drinking like a VIP at "the club." Wait, wait, wait... when did we shift from country to hip hop?
Describing a girl as "hot." CLASSY. There are SO many other adjectives in the English language you could have used to describe a woman's beauty. Nope, let's just use hot. (I find the adjective hot to be derogatory. Not sure why). Can we PLEASE sit down and have a conversation with Tom Hiddleston about how to treat a woman?! You've even forgotten her name! You guys FAIL.
(You're welcome)
6. Blake Shelton
Sorry, guys. I had to do it. I adore Blake as a person. He was the entire reason I watched the Voice and I love his voice... but his song choices... Sigh... I miss mullet Blake Shelton. "Austin" will always be a favorite. "My Baby" was the song my husband choice as the mother/son dance song... Until I suggested "Simple Man". Oops. And then come "Hillbilly Bone" and "Boys 'Round Here". This just stereotypes country folks. Again, sorry guys. I will admit Blake isn't the worst offender and really shouldn't be at Number 6 on my list.
5. Taylor Swift
"He broke my heart, so I'm singing this song about him" is pretty much all the Taylor Swift songs out there. Maturity level: Nonexistent. Taylor... have you even thought that maybe the guys aren't the problem...?
4. The Swon Brothers
I didn't like them on the Voice and I still don't like them. That might just be me. And lets me real here. They use the term "moving, shaking, grooving" in their song "Later On". That's a big, fat NOPE in my book.
3. Kenny Chesney
I'm just going to directly quote the orginal article here because I 100% agree with the way he said it.
"Hairless and Napoleonic, with a big voice and hat to match, K-Chez has a seemingly limitless supply of muscle-t's and songs about sand. The list of his 'baggy attributes is long, but they're niftily distilled in the video for "Come Over," where this Jimmy Buffett wannabe cements his status as the Puffy Combs of country."
I also enjoy what my husband says: "His songs are either about football or beaches. It's like he's trying to either relive his glory days or be somewhere else."
2. Florida Georgia Line
Good Lord, do I despise these two. All their songs are the new partying garbage that gets all the air time on the radio. And I'm going to refer to the lyrics in their hit "Cruise" here for a minute. "In this brand new Chevy with a lift kit" Sorry about your penis, bro.
1.5 Jason Aldean
Yeah, I said it.
In my mind, he's the epitome of the word "douche." Again, the palm leaf hat (we sell them at the store I work at; I want to burn them). You can afford a nice hat. Get one. And who in their right mind wears a palm leaf hat with a SUIT! God, get a clue. No one wants to see your chest hair. *barf* And he really doesn't have much talent to speak of. Relentless was probably his only good song. Oh, and he's a cheater. SUCH a great role model for his younger fans.
1. Carrie Underwood
She's against rodeo (her biggest target demographic).
She's a spokesperson for PETA. (She grew up on a cattle farm in Oklahoma...)
She's a spokesperson for PETA. (She grew up on a cattle farm in Oklahoma...)
She's said in an interview she doesn't know how to cook a steak because she's vegan. (Again, she grew up on a cattle farm in Oklahoma...)
She was on American Idol... Her music is really more techno than anything... I'm pretty much over Carrie Underwood. I think she's the biggest hypocrite in country music, therefore she gets the number one spot on my douche bag list.
And now time for the Honorable Mentions:
- Sugarland (seriously. Can they not come out with a song that isn't annoying? *see, Stuck Like Glue*)
- Brantley Gilbert (Two words: Bottoms Up)
- Dierks Bentley (Drunk On a Plane. Really?! Were you out of ideas for other places to get drunk at?!)
- Rascal Flatts (Over aged boy band)
- Jerrod Neimann (Drink to the All Night. Just another douche drinking song.
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